What I've Learned in 13 Years....

                 

Today, 5-24-10, is our 13th Wedding Anniversary. We have disagreed, debated, yelled, cried, prayed, cuddled, joked, laughed, lived, and loved together for the last 13 years. There have been highs, as well as the lowest of lows. There have been sorrowful times as well as joyful times. There have been ups and downs, but never a time when we would have thrown in the towel! Our marriage is worth so much more than that. Our love is based on a foundation of faith in God and our faith in each other. That faith sustains us and fills us. It has kept us going in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. It has made us pick each other up, dust each other off, and look for the silver lining.

When I think back to 1997, I do not even recognize the 23 year old girl who got married that day. I have changed so much, both emotionally and physically! That girl had to grow up and become a woman, and it was not always an easy path. On my wedding day, I looked at John as being my white knight, and I could not wait until our Happily Ever After began. That was so unrealistic! I was so naive about so many things! Experiencing the sorrows and uncertainties of life, and working with families experiencing abuse took away most of the naivete I used to have. When I got married, I had so many pre-conceived notions of what life would be like and look like as a married person. It all pretty much flew out the window by our first anniversary.

If I could share one bit of advice with couples contemplating marriage, here it is: Marriage is hard. Marriage is a job. Some people may think that is cold and unromantic to say, yet it is so true. If you want your marriage to succeed, give 110% to it, 120% to it. Don't just give 100%; give until it hurts and then give some more. Communicate with your spouse; let them know what you are thinking at all times. Be honest and forthright in your communication. Do not hold everything in until one day you explode. If you do, you will never, never be able to take those words back. Your spouse may forgive you, but they won't easily forget it. Words do cut deeper than a double edged sword. Laugh together. It may be a cliche that "Laughter is the best medicine." Yet, in marriage, it truly is. Love and laughter will sustain you through tough times and assuage hurt feelings like nothing else can. Above all else, there should always be three people in your marriage: you, your spouse, and God. Without God's guiding hand, a marriage will surely crumble. John and I once had a pastor tell us he wished more people would look at marriage the way we did; he would have a lot less couples in his office.

All that said, does it mean we have the perfect marriage? Hardly! Do we disagree? Yes. Do we have moments when we just do not feel like giving until it hurts? Oh yeah. Have we said things to each other we regret? Without a doubt. Have we had a rosy marriage? Certainly not! In the past 13 years, we have weathered storms I hope no other couple ever has to. It has made us stronger, yet it has also shaken us to the core. Without faith, communication, love...we would not have made it. Without determination, hard work, and empathy...we could have easily ended up in divorce.

There are many reasons we are more in love today then we were 13 years ago. Our marriage is always a priority. John has often said, this is his list of priorities: God, Marriage, Family, Friends, and then everything else. We are each other's best friend. We tell each other everything. We know each other so well that sometimes a glance or look is all we need to know what the other one is thinking. We know how to laugh and have a good time together. We know who we are as individuals, as people, and we know who we are as a couple. We live life with no regrets. We tell each other what we are feeling, what we are thinking even though the other person may not always want to hear it. We never go to bed angry. The first year of our marriage we spent many an early morning seeing the sun rise, but we would not go to bed with unresolved issues. We cherish our moments together, and we do not take them for granted. We try to make quality time out of the quantity of time we have. We say "I Love You" often and in many different ways so as to not allow it to lose its impact. We talk about the mundane, every day things, as well as our dreams, our fears, and the things that make up your inmost being. We show each other our strengths, our vulnerabilities. We are an open book to each other. We believe that the best gift you can give to your children is to love their parent. We desperately want our marrige to succeed. We have done everything in our power (and asked for God's guidance MANY times) to keep our marriage strong. We have learned to prune it and nurture it, seeing it mature along the way.

I had a friend today tell me it seems like we are still on our honeymoon. I can not think of a better compliment! In some ways, we truly are, but we have taken a hard road to get here. I wouldn't change a thing though; everything we've experienced has made us who we are, made us a stronger unit and couple. And why would you want to change that?