I still don't know that I have completely realized I'm pregnant. I look in the mirror, and of course I see a blossoming waistline. Around 9pm every night, almost like clockwork, I can count on a little person knocking from the inside out, kicking and squirming about. Yet, there are times I still feel like I am living a dream. I have about 14 weeks to go before we get to meet our newest bundle of joy. I am sure these next few months will seem to fly by! I know there is still so much to do, so much to get, so many diapers to buy!
I have to say I got pretty teary eyed this morning on my way to my OBGYN appointment. As I prayed, thanking the Lord for Mackenna, and now Evan, I realized just how blessed I am! Even though Mackenna has some hurdles to cross right now in regards to her speech, she is a beautiful, affectionate, funny, sweet little girl. She is in such good health, which is such a blessing. I know many families who are struggling with illnesses or situations that affect their child's health. Praise be to God that she has been an extremely healthy girl!
I am extremely blessed to be pregnant again. After 9 years of trying to have a child, being pregnant twice is a double blessing! I still remember the tears, despair, doubts, blame, and distress I heaped upon myself during those 9 years. I was in a very dark place, and the glimmers of hope seemed to fade away as each year passed. I felt like such a failure, as a woman, a wife, and a person. I could not understand how some women could keep having children over and over again, only to abuse and ridicule them. I knew I would never be a mother like that, yet I could not get pregnant. I did not want to blame God for my situation. I tried so hard not to be angry at Him, yet I would often tell Him I did not understand why we were being put in that situation. Eventually, John and I became content with just being us. And then it happened--three months later I was pregnant with Mackenna. About a year after her birth, I was feeling the child pangs again. I so wanted her to have a sibling. I wanted her to go through life with a life long companion. I wanted her to laugh deeper, smile broader, and learn the art of negotiation from a sibling. As that one year turned into two, I just felt having another child biologically was not meant to be. In early 2010, we started filling out paperwork to adopt through the state again. Yet, for some reason, I dragged my feet a bit on background checks and getting physicals. It was not that I was purposefully doing it; I just didn't have the drive to do it like I had in the past. I think it was about May when I told John I would be okay if Mackenna was our only child. I had gotten to the point that the three of us "was enough." I was content with our little family. So much so I cancelled my maternity insurance in June. Then in July...I got pregnant.
Every kick, every hiccup, every movement I feel in my womb is a reminder of answered prayer. I have been ending my facebook statuses surrounding my pregnancy with the words, "God is Good!" Of course, I see that as being much more than words. It is an affirmation that God still performs miracles every day. Being pregnant twice (with no fertility drugs) after being told we had less than a 10% chance of ever getting pregnant, is certainly a miracle! My heart actually feels sometimes as if it could burst from how much I love my little Mac and love being a Mommy. I can not wait to shower love on another little one! And I can not wait to see how my children interact with each other, loving each other and laughing with each other as they grow up. I find myself wonderfully blessed to have had such a great pregnancy thus far. Evan is growing just like he should be. His heart beat was strong and steady this morning! My OBGYN told me he wished every pregnancy went as great as mine was going. That is quite the compliment! I could not ask for anything better than that! Now I am just praying I passed the glucophage test this morning...
I think Charles Dickens said this best, "“Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."
I couldn't have said it better myself! I will always remember the despair of the past, but the past is the past. Onward and upward! I have so many blessings to count instead of dwelling on past disappointments!
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